How do I honor my parents if they are toxic?
You know the commandment. But your parent hurt you, still hurts you, or makes every visit miserable. Does God really expect you to honor that?
“Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12) is still God’s command, but honor is not the same as obeying everything, trusting someone who isn’t safe, or letting them keep hurting you. In plain words: honoring means treating your parents with dignity, not cursing them, praying for them, and helping them in real need. It does not mean staying in abuse, keeping secrets that protect sin, or letting them control your marriage or your faith. As an adult, you leave your parents to build your own home (Genesis 2:24). You can honor someone from a safe distance.
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David honored Saul from a distance
King Saul, David’s father-in-law, tried to kill him again and again. Twice David had the chance to kill Saul, and twice he refused: “I will not lift my hand against my lord, since he is the LORD’s anointed.” He called out to Saul with respect. But he did not move back into Saul’s house. He kept his distance and stayed safe (1 Samuel 24:1–22; 26). David honored Saul’s position and refused to let Saul destroy him.
What honor looks like
Speaking respectfully, even when you disagree. Not cursing or mocking them (Proverbs 20:20). Praying for them. Providing for them in real need as they age (1 Timothy 5:4, 8). Forgiving them, which means releasing the debt to God, not pretending it didn’t happen.
Healthy boundaries
Limit visits or conversations that become abusive. Leave when it turns ugly. Don’t share what they will use against you. Protect your spouse and children. If there is physical danger, get safe and get help.
If they hurt you as a child
What happened was wrong, and God sees it. “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” (Psalm 27:10). Healing often takes time, prayer and a good Christian counselor.
What the Bible says
- 01
Honor your father and mother.
“Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
Exodus 20:12 - 02
Children and parents.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (which is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:1–4 - 03
The LORD will receive me.
“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”
Psalm 27:10 - 04
As far as it depends on you.
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone.”
Romans 12:17–18 - 05
David and Saul.
“After that, David got up, went out of the cave, and called out to Saul, “My lord the king!” When Saul looked behind him, David bowed facedown in reverence and said to Saul, “Why do you listen to the words of men who say, ‘Look, David intends to harm you’? Behold, this day you have seen with your own eyes that the LORD delivered you into my hand in the cave. I was told to kill you, but I spared you and said, ‘I will not lift my hand against my lord, since he is the LORD’s anointed.’ See, my father, look at the corner of your robe in my hand. For I cut it off, but I did not kill you. Know and see that there is no evil or rebellion in my hands. I have not sinned against you, even though you are hunting me down to take my life. May the LORD judge between you and me, and may the LORD take vengeance on you, but my hand will never be against you.”
1 Samuel 24:8–12 - 06
Leave and cleave.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24
Scripture from the Berean Standard Bible.
Write one honest prayer for your parent today. Then decide one boundary you need, and one way to honor them within it.
Common questions
Do I have to obey my parents as an adult?
No. Children obey (Ephesians 6:1); adults honor. As an adult, your first loyalty is to God and your own household.
Is it a sin to cut off a toxic parent?
Distance for safety isn’t a sin. Keep praying for them, keep the door open to repentance, and seek wise counsel.
Do I have to forgive them?
Yes, eventually: forgiveness releases them to God (Matthew 6:14–15). It doesn’t require trusting them again.
Bring your real question.
Talk is a place on Become to ask anything, in your own words and your own language, any hour. No question is too honest.